A Space to Wonder

Creativity and writing have been elusive these past weeks. I wrote about that in my last blog. Pulling weeds and digging in the earth help to jump start that spark again. It’s still tiny, and the words still feel rusty and a bit foreign.

Why? What is going on?

I caught myself wondering, again, for the first time in a long time.

Wondering. What a glorious space. Unknown. Expansive. Hopeful.

And through that wonder, I’ve discovered something: I haven’t allowed my brain any down time this past year. I thought I had. I’ve had extraordinary moments of prayer, of meditation, of joy.

But the virus has consumed something beyond the body. It has taken up residence in me and settled in: don’t forget the mask, stay distant, wash your hands, death toll rises, death toll falls, January 6 insurrection, I can’t breathe, unemployment, debt, fear, Trump, the big lie…and on, and on.

Always on. Always…

Once I became fully vaccinated a few weeks ago, I thought I would feel relief, I thought I would breathe a bit easier.

And in some ways, I did. I could not only see the light; I could feel it. But in other ways, I felt heavier and more restricted.

What?

But after I got my hands back in the earth, I began to feel a shift. I picked up a book and began reading. I wrote two blogs. The exhaustion is lifting. I am starting to look beyond with joyful wonder.

I just didn’t realize how deeply the pandemic had taken hold. I am one of the lucky ones. I never got COVID. I have worked remotely all year. I’ve been able to buy food and keep my home.

I don’t take this grace lightly. So many haven’t been so lucky.

Perhaps it’s survivors’ guilt. I’m not sure, but I do feel for the first time in a long time so much gratitude swelling in me. The bees hold a lesson again. I see God in the sunrise. Silence is holy.

I don’t feel a need to watch the news as much or scroll though social media to find the latest virus numbers. My brain isn’t so consumed by the news; I feel a need to think beyond it.

Perhaps there is life beyond what we’ve known these past months.

How glorious is my tiny spark of wonder.